Shiloh

This past year has been a cleansing year, in so many ways. I have been doing a lot of work on healing from trauma. I know. The word trauma is so overused these days. Part of the work I’ve been doing is to realize that a lot of things that happened in my childhood, and long beyond that, until very recently even, were indeed traumatic.

I can pride myself for working hard to live the life that I get to live, and joke sarcastically about traumatic incidents in my life, but dark humor only goes so far. It was time to dig deep and root out those dark things and bring them into the light. Meeting regularly with a professional who had me write them out and speak them aloud was painful and difficult, yes. But I’ve come to learn that when you speak traumatic and shameful things aloud, they lose all of their power. I have nothing to hide. I have also learned to extend the same compassion to myself that I freely extend to others.

The cleaning has permeated my physical world as well. Deep cleaning and organizing my fridge, and my pantry, and my entire house. I’ve pulled so many things out of back corners and dark spaces and if they didn’t serve a purpose, they went on a trip to our local thrift store. Get out, get out, get out.

This little space has sat here gathering dust for a few years, and lately my thoughts have turned to writing here again. Maybe. I went the way of Instagram when it came out and started posting my happenings over there more than here. I do love it there, and I love my community. (Also, Reels can bring much joy.)

A year and a half ago my account was hacked and all of those years of photos and stories and memories were gone. Just, gone. If we were friends in my @angellad days, I’d love to be friends in these @angella.dykstra days, if we aren’t already. Doing the work on yourself takes a lot of time and my social media time took the biggest hit.

The most recent recipient of my need to clean is this here site. I texted my friend Jen Wilson to see if it was possible to archive all of my old posts so that they’re tucked away for me to look at when I want to, and maybe haul them out like an old photo album to share with others one day, but to sit behind the scenes in the meantime? They can, and I hired her to do that for me, and so now I have a fresh start here, too.

Will I start posting here again? Maybe, maybe not. I’ll keep you posted. Ha.

*Audrey Assad. Amanda sent it to me when I was at my bottom, and it was my most-played song of 2022.

YouTube video here, and lyrics for those like me who like to follow along:

[Verse 1]
Deep down your eyes look
Haunted by grey ghosts
You live in your stories
Hunted by shadows
When pain comes to show you
What you’d rather not know
What will your heart do?
What will you let go?

[Chorus]
May loving kindness
Calm the raging of the wound
May your healing
Be a clearing in the wood
May you breathe in
Deeper than you ever could before

[Verse 2]
See what you’ve lived through
So you can grieve it (you can let it go, you can let it go)
And draw it towards you
Catch and release it (you can let it go, you can let it go)
And now as your tears flow
Let them be cleansing (you can let it go, you can let it go)
Washing your heart so
You can be mending (you can let it go, you can let it go)

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
In every season
For every seed there’s a time to grow
A time to grow through yesterday’s curtains
Maybe you’ll open a window, a window
So everything broken
Everything bleeding
Can be made whole
Can be made whole
Where everything shattered
Baby, you’ll find your Shiloh
Your Shiloh